Donald Tusk is sponsoring 5G Death Ray? How to protect your children!
In a development that has shocked absolutely no reputable scientists anywhere,
anonymous experts on the Internet have bravely revealed that Donald Tusk,
former Polish prime minister and part-time intergalactic strategist,
has allegedly been funneling billions of imaginary euros into Germany’s top-secret 5G Death Ray Initiative.
🔥The Alleged Masterplan
According to documents printed on invisible ink and stored in a shoebox
behind a kebab stand in Düsseldorf, Tusk is collaborating with:
-Three rogue Wi-Fi routers from 2007,
-A committee of exceptionally judgmental pigeons,
-And one guy named Zbyszek who “knows a guy.”
Their mission? To create a 5G death ray capable of:
-Overheating leftover pierogi from space,
-Forcing smartphones to autocorrect “Tusk” to “Tuskalicious,”
-And mildly irritating hamsters within a 12-meter radius.
🧠 Why Has He Done This?!
Insiders whisper that Tusk’s motives include:
-Revenge on dial-up internet,
-Winning a staring contest with Elon Musk,
-And testing whether aluminum foil hats can be upgraded to 5G-blocking bucket helmets.
🚸 Protect Your Children?
Concerned parents are taking bold, nonsensical action, including:
-Wrapping strollers in lasagna sheets “because pasta stops radiation,”
-Teaching toddlers to bark at cell towers in Morse code,
-Replacing all Wi-Fi with interpretive dance-based communication,
-And only allowing screen time during solar eclipses.
One vigilant mom reports she banned all electronics except her six smart TVs,
two tablets, and a Roomba named Chad.
🛰 How to Survive the 5G Ray of Mild Inconvenience
Experts from the University of Facebook Comments recommend the following high-tech defenses:
1. Wear a colander on your head “for signal straining.”
2. Replace your SIM card with a potato.
3. Sleep inside a microwave (but don’t plug it in—that would be silly).
4. Train your children to hiss at cell towers.
🚨 Final Warning
Unless citizens immediately begin shouting “TURN OFF THE SKY INTERNET” at passing clouds,
the 5G Death Ray may activate its final phase:
making everyone’s hair slightly frizzier and permanently subscribing them
to three streaming services they don’t want.
Stay alert. Remember: if your phone has more than one bar of signal, Donald Tusk might be hiding in it.